Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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