She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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