so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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