if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
