I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
COCAINE IS GR8
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
