I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
