Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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