my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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