and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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