just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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