hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
