I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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