God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just cut my nipple shaving
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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