You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
