my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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