see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
