I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
