Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
