i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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