Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
