If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
