the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
