Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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