I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
