the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
