this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
