I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
