i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
