I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
His hands were made for my vagina.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
