DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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