How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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