dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
