I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
