when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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