if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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