I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
