four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize