Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
