So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
too bad you live with your parents still
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize