I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
