Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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