I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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