She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
