The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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