we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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