i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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