Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
