I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
