So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
How does it feel to date your dad?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
