Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
