Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
