Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
