He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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