someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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