I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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