What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
