Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
