New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize