Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Randomize
