i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
